After having the first attack I felt really deflated. I had found it so easy to jump back into my same old routine when I have an attack without even thinking about it. It left me shaken and on edge for a couple of days as I usually find after an attack anyway. I think im almost on edge anticipating the next one. For me health anxiety plays a major role in my panic attacks. After having such a bad health history this isn't surprising i guess, but after having cancer this year it has heightened and left me with such a massive fear of death. I also think its because I have Freddie that death for me just isnt an option I cant even begin to think about leaving him behind, and when told you have cancer that becomes such a harsh reality that its made it very hard to deal with for me.
As ive heard from other bloggers and people dealing with anxiety this time of year seems to really be affecting peoples moods and how they are coping with there issues. It may seem obvious for some that the winter blues often gets people down in general but I think i was totally in denial and naive about just how much the weather can play a part in recovery, and didn't really see it until i spoken to my amazing therapist about it.
My first attack this month happened after writing a separate piece on anxiety for another lovely blogger. I almost felt as if I had written myself into an attack. Although I am in therapy I had never on my own faced up to everything I have been threw, and looking back and almost evaluating and remembering what a harsh and dark place I have come from made it all fresh and raw again. I also wrote it just before going to bed so went to bed with my head brimming and bubbling away with thoughts of anxiety which probably didnt help. Never the less I found my self not quite being able to sleep and as i finally drifted off I was quickly woken up by the unwelcome yet familiar feeling of a pounding heart beat, tingling hands and feeling very cold, my initial thought was no way can can this be happening i thought i had gotten over this ive failed. I was then awake till early hours the next morning trying to make sense of it all. Looking back on it now and talking it threw with my therapist soon made me realise that I needed to have that attack. I needed to realise that realistically I am going to have the odd attack and part of being in therapy is not only to determine what triggers the attacks and learning tools and tips to help deal with the anxiety so they dont lead to an attack, its also to learn how to deal and cope with the attacks when they do happen.
Some people may be wondering why im writing this post on top of Christmas when everyone is supposed to be in high spirits, but i needed to write it to let everybody else out there thats dealing with this over Christmas know that your not alone, because unless youve truely suffered with this yourself you have no idea what it feels like, and during the season of social gatherings and family get togethers people may be feeling the strain that little bit more.
I will be writing lots more posts on this and have been trying to film a video on it for days to make it a bit easier to go into depth with, but trying to grab a spare bit of time to film isnt as easy as id thought lol. Im planning on helping as many people as I can so stay tuned for future posts. If you need help, an ear to listen or a chat about anything tweet me @LauraLou9820 x