Dear diary

Sat on the toilet with a cold flannel pressed up against my left cheek, trying to convince myself im not having a stroke. Feeling pathetic and low. Fighting back tears of anger and upset, shaking from the attack ive just stopped having and scared and anxiously waiting for the next one. Will i ever be free of this disease that consumes my whole life? I feel like im slipping back to that place but i sink my nails into my recovery refusing to hit rock bottom for fear i wont make it back up this time. Here come the tears,that  bittersweet feeling that comes from crying, the emotional release vs the hurt. Im scared, scared that ill be trapped forever, looking over my shoulder and waiting for the panic and anxiety to consume me. Restless legs pacing around trying to get warm now, trying to calm down and find that logical place ive recently met & that i cling on to for some sense of normality. Im tired of fighting against myself, why cant i exist as one human being, why do i find myself constantly battling the poisonous thoughts leaking out of my mind. Im feeling warmer now but with the tingling still in my cheek the next attack is bubbling to the surface, logical mind where are you? I need you. Im shaking again, hand gripping my tingling face, is this all in my head? I need to run away but where do i go, theres no escaping the thing thats chasing me, because it is me. I am my own demon.

I wrote this post last night and i want to publish it in the hope that people thatdon't  have a clue about what this disease feels like have a snippet of what its like. People who suffer with anxiety and depression are not drama queens, we are not freaking out for no reason, these feelings are very real. I stopped writing when the next attack took hold. I left my house and ended up in a crumpled heap on the floor outside sobbing my heart out in dedperation. Its time more support was available. Help me to help others as well as inform you of this illness.