What I got for Christmas

Ive done something a little bit different, took the plunge & finally decided to film my very first video.

Ive wanted to film videos for ages and I love watching other vlogs and videos over on youtube and have finally taken the plunge and filmed a video. 

Pardon the lighting as this video was filmed this evening as it is neigh on impossible to film a video during the day with my little one running around lol.

\

I hope you like it and please give it a little thumbs up if you do :)

Christmas round up

I feel a bit fraudulent typing "Merry Christmas" even though were only 3 days past the big day itself. To me once Christmas day is over the whole lot is over and done with bring on the new year lol. This Christmas has been a very reflective one for me, anxiety levels have been very high this week to so its been a strange one. 

Freddie woke me up at around 5ish muttering words of "mummy has santa been yet" he was back to sleep in moments so i presume he was sleep talking lol. We didnt end up getting up till 9ish. I brought Freddie in with me and Dean and we went threw his stocking. He was really happy with his first lot of Thomas toys especially seeing as he had specifically asked Santa for those lol.

I then went off to pick up my mum and her lovely partner and brought those back. This year instead of the footprints my brother had left a trail of fake snow (amazing hat you can find in poundland ai lol) Freddie really enjoyed it and went over and saw that santa had eaten his mince pie and drank his milk lol. 

Que the present opening. With a pile of presents almost taller than him we expected it to be a very long morning lol we werent wrong. As soon as Fred found his first pile of Thomas books Christmas seemed to come to an abrupt hault with everyone being ordered to read stories lol. In the end everyone else had to end up opening his presents for him until his drum set was put together and then he jumped on that and ended up having a jamming session with my brother lol (it was as cute and as funny as it sounds honest).

Christmas dinner: I started off with lists of food, timings you name it I had it sorted with my mums boyfriend playing sou chef lol. I donned my christmas cooks hat haha yep seriously! But before I knew it the roles had reversed and i was sous chef lol (keeping the hat naturally) & my mums boyfriend saved the day and together (with a little help from the mother and her marvelous potato mashing skills) we laid out a yummy christmas dinner for 8 (wipes brow just thinking about it). My first vegetarian dinner consisted of toad in the hole with all of the trimmings and lovely vegetarian sausages wrapped in bacon.

This is Freddies little Christmas dinner lol

The rest of the day was fun and games and relaxation. Little man was shattered after a very busy day. My brother in law came over and we all played heads up (if you have an app phone please download and play this game its hilarious). Overall I really enjoyed christmas day this year and I hope all of you did to.

I may do a separate "what i got for christmas" post because I love reading everyone else's ones of these lol.

If you have done a Christmas day post of a what you got for christmas post please comment below because id love to see those :)

Dear diary

Sat on the toilet with a cold flannel pressed up against my left cheek, trying to convince myself im not having a stroke. Feeling pathetic and low. Fighting back tears of anger and upset, shaking from the attack ive just stopped having and scared and anxiously waiting for the next one. Will i ever be free of this disease that consumes my whole life? I feel like im slipping back to that place but i sink my nails into my recovery refusing to hit rock bottom for fear i wont make it back up this time. Here come the tears,that  bittersweet feeling that comes from crying, the emotional release vs the hurt. Im scared, scared that ill be trapped forever, looking over my shoulder and waiting for the panic and anxiety to consume me. Restless legs pacing around trying to get warm now, trying to calm down and find that logical place ive recently met & that i cling on to for some sense of normality. Im tired of fighting against myself, why cant i exist as one human being, why do i find myself constantly battling the poisonous thoughts leaking out of my mind. Im feeling warmer now but with the tingling still in my cheek the next attack is bubbling to the surface, logical mind where are you? I need you. Im shaking again, hand gripping my tingling face, is this all in my head? I need to run away but where do i go, theres no escaping the thing thats chasing me, because it is me. I am my own demon.

I wrote this post last night and i want to publish it in the hope that people thatdon't  have a clue about what this disease feels like have a snippet of what its like. People who suffer with anxiety and depression are not drama queens, we are not freaking out for no reason, these feelings are very real. I stopped writing when the next attack took hold. I left my house and ended up in a crumpled heap on the floor outside sobbing my heart out in dedperation. Its time more support was available. Help me to help others as well as inform you of this illness.

Tis the season to have panic attacks

It seems after being in therapy for about 4months now, this seems to be panic attack season. I have gone from having daily panic attacks to having none since starting my therapy, dont get me wrong I have still very much suffered with controlling my anxiety but a couple of nights ago I found myself having my 2nd attack in as many weeks.

After having the first attack I felt really deflated. I had found it so easy to jump back into my same old routine when I have an attack without even thinking about it. It left me shaken and on edge for a couple of days as I usually find after an attack anyway. I think im almost on edge anticipating the next one. For me health anxiety plays a major role in my panic attacks. After having such a bad health history this isn't surprising i guess, but after having cancer this year it has heightened and left me with such a massive fear of death. I also think its because I have Freddie that death for me just isnt an option I cant even begin to think about leaving him behind, and when told you have cancer that becomes such a harsh reality that its made it very hard to deal with for me.

As ive heard from other bloggers and people dealing with anxiety this time of year seems to really be affecting peoples moods and how they are coping with there issues. It may seem obvious for some that the winter blues often gets people down in general but I think i was totally in denial and naive about just how much the weather can play a part in recovery, and didn't really see it until i spoken to my amazing therapist about it.

My first attack this month happened after writing a separate piece on anxiety for another lovely blogger. I almost felt as if I had written myself into an attack. Although I am in therapy I had never on my own faced up to everything I have been threw, and looking back and almost evaluating and remembering what a harsh and dark place I have come from made it all fresh and raw again. I also wrote it just before going to bed so went to bed with my head brimming and bubbling away with thoughts of anxiety which probably didnt help. Never the less I found my self not quite being able to sleep and as i finally drifted off I was quickly woken up by the unwelcome yet familiar feeling of a pounding heart beat, tingling hands and feeling very cold, my initial thought was no way can can this be happening i thought i had gotten over this ive failed. I was then awake till early hours the next morning trying to make sense of it all. Looking back on it now and talking it threw with my therapist soon made me realise that I needed to have that attack. I needed to realise that realistically I am going to have the odd attack and part of being in therapy is not only to determine what triggers the attacks and learning tools and tips to help deal with the anxiety so they dont lead to an attack, its also to learn how to deal and cope with the attacks when they do happen.

Some people may be wondering why im writing this post on top of Christmas when everyone is supposed to be in high spirits, but i needed to write it to let everybody else out there thats dealing with this over Christmas know that your not alone, because unless youve truely suffered with this yourself you have no idea what it feels like, and during the season of social gatherings and family get togethers people may be feeling the strain that little bit more.

I will be writing lots more posts on this and have been trying to film a video on it for days to make it a bit easier to go into depth with, but trying to grab a spare bit of time to film isnt as easy as id thought lol. Im planning on helping as many people as I can so stay tuned for future posts. If you need help, an ear to listen or a chat about anything tweet me @LauraLou9820 x

Festive nails

With the big day just days away I decided to try and create a festive nail look. I didnt want to start of to difficult lol so i just went for a simple candy cane look. Now when I say simple believe me it was not at all simple lol, I just about managed to do the left hand (im right handed) but the other hand was just a joke and i ended up taking it off that night. But I thought i would share my first attempt with you guys anyway :)

My nails have been really damaged and brittle after having acrylics on a couple of months ago so before i do anything i apply a coat of OPIs nail envy. It contains protein and helps to strengthen an repair my nails.  

I started by applying one coat of red polish to my nails. I left it for about 15mins to dry but in hindsight maybe i should have left them for a bit longer to make sure they were completely dry. It may have made it easier to draw the line on? 

Then I took my white nail art pen which was very good and I will do a separate review on it if requested :) and just drew horizontal lines onto the nail. I am aware I am making this sound way to easy lol so please ladies be prepared to need a bit of patience with it.

This is the final product a very wobbly candy cane nail look lol hopefully its perfected for next week :)

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life -BertholdAuerbach

Ive been meaning to blog about the most amazing sing a long group i attend with the littluns for the longest time. After attending the Christmas party i just had to try & explain why everyone needs to try and attend at least one of these sessions. 

Harriette is a lovely quirky lady who along with her lovely & lively band create and deliver feel good sing a long sessions to children. I attend her Wednesday & sometimes Thursday session at the church hall of Exmouth Market. As much as id like to say i go for the children i will openly admit i love going for myself lol. All of your troubles seem to dissolve into the air once everybody is singing a long together like one big family. There is a sense of belonging and an amazingly friendly atmosphere to just get swept away by. 

Both my Freddie and the children I look after at work really enjoy the group. In fact Freddie is quite obsessed with it lol. We have to listen to the train song (quite a big hit at the group) in the car everyday without fail lol. 

Harriette and the band are so patient with all of the children and I love the way they make the children feel important and interact with them. 

No amount of reviewing will do this session any justice so please check out their website I will leave it below and if you can make it to a session please so, you will not regret it and I promise you will keep coming back for more :)

http://www.singalongsongs.co.uk/

Freddie meets Father Christmas

The cutest thing for me so far this season has got to be when my little Freddie got to meet Father Christmas on the weekend. He has been so excited about meeting him since we told him he would meet him whilst we were on holiday. He spent the whole of Saturday talking about meeting him so when the time came he was really excited. 

As we walked up a path lit up by cute fairy lights we came to a wooden lodge. To the left of the wooden lodge was a smaller make shift post office where it looked busy and full of Christmassy jobs being done in time for the big day. Once we made it to the front of the que to see Santa we were greeted by a very tall elf lol. It was all very nightclubby initially, with a 'if your names not down your not coming in' policy being operated on the door lol. It was touch and go for a moment when the elf left a slight pause as if he couldn't find our names lol but we finally made it in to see the big man himself. 

Now I don't know who was more excited my Freddie or my Dean lol but it was a super cute set up. There were 2 little chairs next to Santa (I suppose his conscious of this childhood obesity rise and his saving his knees joints lol) so Freddie sat down next to Santa. The usual questions then happened "have you been a good boy this year" and all of that with Freddie of course replying "yes" lol then came the big question of "what would you like for Christmas this year Freddie" To which I stood with baited breath, only to be able to breathe a sigh of relief when Freddie responded "I want Thomas toys" (phew we've got that covered lol) Santa then handed over a cute gift bag with a lion and some chocolate coins inside, a picture was taken and we were off on our merry way with one very happy little boy.

I love that this year Freddie is able to join in with all the excitement of Christmas and that he loved his trip to see Santa :)